Thinking. Missing. You.

So many times I think about you. I think about your lips & I want to kiss you. To hold you, when I think about those moments when I have you, when I had you. I wanna hug you. So tight, get fused to you. Angler fish. Your hands, I want to hold them. Your forehead to kiss it. Spank that #$% when you bend it.

I wish to, that I can rewind it over again. Don’t you? Want to step into it with me? How couldn’t you?

I miss you as you’re not here, let’s not even argue about it. I want to dance with you under the sky, the stars are our witness. Your love to me is a weakness. I can’t rest. I am restless. So young and restless. Got me in some sort of love trance. Stuck on replay. Iyaz.

I love you baby, this is the truth that you can’t erase.

Day 21 winterabc2021. Love. The Feeling That Killed Him!

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Finally closing off this year’s Afrobloggers winterabc2021 with a fictitious story inspired by true events. It’s been a wonderful but challenging ride discovering wonderful writers, learning from so many people, and enjoying my time all the while. As I bow out today, I am leaving you a story of how I felt when I had my heartbroken.

Like a defeated lion, like a stalking shadow, he walked on the dimly lit streets. His head hunched into the upturned collar of the coat that donned him. He was not like its owner. It is like it wore him. Dr. Strange. He bent forward and forged his way into the wind that was blowing hard on him. Hurricane. It was all chills around him. But strangely, the cold came from the center of his heart. The organ that led to the pain that he was in right now. People around him though lived in a different world. They seemed at ease. Like they were enjoying the weather. Lovers walked by hand in hand. He occasionally stopped to look. To look at the bodies of lovers that were happily walking by. Hand in hand, dancing, leaning against walls, embracing in dark corners or walking so close to each other they nearly dissolved into one body. He was swelled with envy, anger, pain. Hate. He was saddened. His heart had turned black and blue. Unpleasant. His eyes welled and reddened & occasionally sniffled back a tear. The shades he wore across them hid all that he did not want people to see. They swelled with tears. It was evident that he was troubled. Anyone could see it. He was like a beaten-up silhouette of a man who once loved. He looked like a man who had been there before. But just like the wind, it seemed to all have blown away. Vapor.

This was a man who in a few years past was in the best relationship that had ever happened to him. It was all he lived for. He breathed for. This relationship was…was his life. And like the end of life, it was dead now.

There were numerous questions in his mind right now. It had turned into a buffet cooking pot of thoughts. It was a war zone in there. He could not believe in reality. But unfortunately, this was it. The lonely reality.

He could not believe all the things that his mind kept playing back from his memory. Like a reel, the scenes occasionally came playing again & again. Stuck on replay. The questions that he kept asking himself were harder than any test paper he had ever sat. But when did love questions ever been any easier anyway? Across the street, he saw a guy kissing his girl goodbye & as he was walking past a building step, a young couple sat on the higher steps talking animatedly judging from the gestures the guy’s hands were making in the air. She was laughing hysterically. It was then that he asked himself;

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What exactly had gone wrong? Where did he really go wrong? He thought he had it all but then what? How haven’t they been through it all? And a clean sheet he kept. Always coming straight to her every day without tripping anywhere else. How haven’t they been there for each other? It was like a real marriage minus the rings or vows to it. But it all seemed it was not enough to make everlasting memories?

She had elevated him. Made him float up there. Walking on clouds. Flying on the wings of love. But then condemned him, all of a sudden. Just like that. Pontius Pilate.

Was it the price he was paying for loving her with the whole of his life? For making her the fore center of his being, hopes & dreams?

Oh how he loved her. Oh how he breathed & lived her. How he wanted & needed her.

Why? That was the question. Why would she have to punish him like this? Why?

Up to this point, he still got breakdown moments. He, like Jesus, wept. Cried. Like a baby, he soaked his bed in tears. He hated himself. He hated so many things. 
It was the most inhumane thing he had ever experienced. But that’s the decision the lady had made & he had to count his losses.

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He now understood why we meet people that are so broken they can hardly love. It’s because of moments like this. The burden that was put on an innocent soul that we meet after. 
How could she fall back on all the things she has always warned him about? Don’t fall back to your ex, don’t fall out of love with me quickly, you seem like you’ll wake up one day & leave me, you don’t love me enough. Why? 

But now he was sorry. Sorry for not loving her enough to make her stay. For being jealous for something that he wanted. Her. The thought of another guy doing things to her that he used to. The pain that came with just thinking of that made him shiver. He thought he could be around for a time hoping that she may change her mind. That’s true love right there. For he loved her with the whole of his life & heart & cried a very long time for her absence for she had given him two years of the best his life has ever had & it was this year that he was even to love her more. Now he had to live with the loss every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of this year. 

She said that she had gone where she was happier. He remembered when they danced on the city streets. When they sat on building steps and jazzed. Held hands as they were walking & kissed under the street lights or when they broke public rules & got caught up in a city mall mess. He remembered her birthday when the deejay screamed out her name over the music, when they sneaked up an incomplete building & made love low key. The times they made 50 shades level of love. With music in the background & how they moved their bodies to the beat. Oh the sweat & the heat.
The PDA at rolex stalls. Beating their own eggs & cutting up their own cabbages. The fried eggs. Sausages. The movie nights? Do they now enjoy them like we did? Cuddling while the film rolled? Laughing at the actor’s jokes (Oh no, they’re beating him with sausages) & play rewind? Trying to hide tears when the sad parts come on. How he hated The Thundermans. The little unannounced gifts for being the great girlfriend that he knew there was. Maybe the cuddling is sweet. No lights but just the two of them. At peace in the dark. Talking about anything. Talking about their ex’s. Oh shit! Ex’s? He wondered whether he was now a part of their conversations. He wondered what she was telling the new guy about him. That he used to make her happy? Made her dance & dub him too? That he used to calm her thoughts when she was troubled? Or she is telling him of his weaknesses? That he had ugly night shirts? Whether she now had a fav new music genre. Away from EDM.
Whether he complimented her of how nice & hot she looked in or out of them clothes? Cuddling from behind in front of the mirror? Embracing tightly & dancing in the living space when they were getting back from a fight?

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Does he spank her ass too? Like he used to like it or maybe she’s also started spanking his too & he tries to jump away from it & tell her “They don’t spank guys’ butts” Nope. They don’t honey.” While wriggling the ka finger. Whether they also make aside jokes at people? Quoting them & acting them out in their free time like, “hmm, I love cake.” 
The love letters. Oh my. Does he love writing too? So now she has another little box where she keeps them with love & reads them once in a while or she’s already tossed away his from the little box & replaced them? Door mail? 
Do they have initials now? Has he met her family already? Do they find him charming? 

Losing her, he lost the most valuable thing/ person in his life. When they broke up, he wanted to do all the crazy things people in that situation usually do. Things he’s always warned others about. He sprinkled water over his face when entering the house to not notice the tears in his eyes. He started walking with shades everywhere for that same reason. He cried so much his eyes shrunk in & hurt. At one point through all this blinding pain, he thought that maybe life should end & as he stepped into the road to cross to the other side, he did not see the car that was turning the corner & reaching mid-way into the street, he felt a heavy force goring into his ribs & felt his body hoisted into the air. By the time he woke up, he was staring at a bleeding, lifeless shell of a man on the tarmac. People were gathering around it and in a few moments, a bright light showed up from above. Surprisingly, he was the only one that could see it. Bodies in white came to him & together, started on a journey to heaven. He was finally free of earthly pain.

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The Red Flags To Flag Down

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Sometimes it’s actually in the views our partner has towards love, life & the dynamics of a relationship in general & to save yourself from such blues, lookout for some of these signs about your partner & just as well, before you go any further with a relationship, have you weighed its pros & cons?

Quite often, when a relationship goes sour, it’s when we decide to roll back the film & go through so many of the things we thought we skipped that might have led to the death of our love. Placing little markings here & there trying to put the pieces together, trying to look back into the issues that we might’ve ignored.

  • Is the relationship developmental? Is it healthy for your mental wellbeing? Does it push you two to a next level in life or it’s like sitting in a car pretending it’s moving yet it has no tyres…..where the heck are you headed?
  • Have you ever featured in any of your partner’s future plans? What plans they have for the relationship? Are your partner’s views aiming at your mutual existence? They should be telling you of their future plans in which you ought to feature. They should be talking about a family & their views should be comforting to motivate you into starting a family with them. If you’re not mentioned in any of their future plans of being together, then you ought to be scared. It’s ugly to be there teething while your partner has never mentioned you in the next chapter of their life.
  • Do they respect your feelings, privacy & decisions? Do they create an atmosphere where you’re both at the same table discussing family issues together & letting your views be implemented when they’re right without feeling threatened of your presence to the power balance in the relationship? Do you have to overly explain yourself or use force to get your view across? Are they the ‘I am always right” kind of person? How do they handle your moods? How do they argue with you or handle your insecurities?
  • Is your partner professionally helpful? Are they helping you pursue your dreams & career or they’re somewhat pulling you down? Do they feel threatened by your professional life & financial power & if so, how are you dealing with it? Do they help you in the job search? Completing assignments? Giving you time to concentrate on your work? Help you draft CVs? Or it’s all about playing sex, consuming illicit stuff & binge shopping?
  • What are their views about work? Do they expect to always be provided for or they plan on working to feed the relationship? They must be willing to work so as to provide…you’re not going to eat dirt are you?
  • What are their reaction & relationship towards the opposite sex? Are they the type that gets overly excited when they meet people of the others? How do they talk of them? How do they flirt & react to flirts? If more attention is given to others even in your presence, then be scared.
  • Is there openness in the relationship & to what level? That moment when you touch your partner’s property & they come crashing down on you like a buffalo. When you try to give them feedback & they always going offensive. What’re they insecure of? What’re they hiding & scared of?
  • Analyze their spending. Some people spend on things they don’t need, excessive partying, traveling etc. & this is a good way to go broke. What’re your partner’s views about life? Are they planning on living on the next level or they only look at living for that moment?
  • Check their saving culture. Are they saving for what’s worthy? Some people love to live for the day & forget that there’s tomorrow…that’s a lack of foresight.
  • Is your partner hanging with the right people? Those that will help push them to the next level or it’s a bunch of happy go lucky idiots whose goal is to hit all happening joints around town? Are they ones that impart constructive knowledge to your partner or feed them lies & false egos? Are they introducing them to the right people or to other potential partners? You should watch out.
  • Does he/she introduce you to the right people (family) & positive people like bosses, influential people or fellow rag tags?
  • Be wary if your partner doesn’t seem to get over their ex…You may find yourself ditched & they be back together.
  • Help yourselves either where you can; physically, emotionally or financially because in this current trend, it’s hard for one person to carry the whole relationship on their back. Remember; it’s a mutual relationship not a sexual or business partnership.

Much its things you should look out for in your partner, they may as well be the things about you so before you start questioning your partner, find out whether none of them apply to you as well. Otherwise ……Best Of Luck

Our Last Time.

I want to love you properly. Like it is my last time. Your last time. Anyways, it is our last time. Never to see us again, our last wish. Loving someone else, our worst wish. Never to make plans with you again, our lost wish. Never falling in love again with us, our feared wish…so I want to make this be our best time. Sadly, our last time.

I want to hold you proper. Talk to you proper. I want to laugh with you again. Hear that loud chuckle one last time. I loved how you used to look at me deeply. Your eyes piercing into my soul sharply. I felt them. They had love written all over them & I fearfully loved it.

I want to make love to you proper. Break you down and build you up again. With sweat, emotions, and ecstasy, girl, you loved that intimacy, because boy oh boy I sure did it better. I held your hand better on them walks. The walks up the hill. Or the romance on the boda. Weaving through traffic like them roads we owned. The dancing in the room. My Miss Uganda. I made your mind calmer and listened to your dreams clearer. The tears in your eyes I made them disappear faster and on my chest, you laid better. Sweet peace.

But now you are gone. Regrettable tears for the moves we didn’t make. Chess pieces. Like the wind you gonna blow away and fat chance, I’ll never see you again…unless if the world pulls a sneaky one on us…otherwise, this seems like it’s our last time. Wish I could spend it with you because I am sure you will love it. This one last time, the Kindle to the Kitty.

Of Promises & Trust Issues

I’ve met a friend who told me he doesn’t promise. Especially when it comes to love. For some things that have been done over & over again & their fail rate has remained constant, it should be understandable as to why they should be abandoned all the same.

He told me he’s been down that road very many a times. Always hoping for the best to come out of it. How he’s given in time, hopes & most definitely, his heart. He’s stripped himself bare trying to be the perfect one for these daughters of Eve. He told of his visions & made plans. How he’s groomed himself to each one of their recipe of perfection. Trying to be their ideal figure of a perfect gentleman & hopefully, a capable father to their kids and all of this coming with a promise that he’ll be the best they’ve ever had. The one they’ve always dreamt. I too have fucking been there.


When at the end of it all, I don’t know if I’ve not measured up enough. I don’t know if I’ve sinned all too much for God to acknowledge my dreams & help me keep my end of the promise but these daughters of Eve have always found any reason under the setting sun to walk out of my life like I am plagued. They’ve made me question my sanity, my ambitions, my esteem. I’ve fucking been depressed because of them. I’ve lost my mind & broken down terribly because I thought I was worthless & not good enough for anybody. Because if someone leaves you for no sensible reason, what exactly are you left to think the blame is?

Do you even know what it means for someone to make you promise & they also swear on those very promises & then they go ahead to break each & every promise they made? Each word by word to the very last like they’re ticking off some wish list without remorse, guilt or whatever you want to call it & then they get the mother fucking audacity to tell you to get over it? Like you’re some sort of emotionless creature with a stone heart & iron hide skin?

Do people know what it means to walk around with scars on your heart covering each inch of where your vision was? Of where your hope was? Of where your…promise was?

For crying out loud I got tired all the same. I resorted to living. Hoping that maybe, a rare daughter of Eve will simply love me as is & not make me fly on deceit & empty promises just to let me fall down like I am a wretch of this earth. I …. Don’t even know how to finish this.